His Smile

You know the sound a smile makes?

Do you know what I mean?  Think about it.  When your face goes from fully rested and your lips break into a smile, sometimes there’s a little pop sound.  Have you heard it?  I know you’re practicing it now, lol.  Put that little pop sound in the back of your mind for a minute while you read this.

I had a job I loved.  A job that I worked hard for and had been promoted at and relied on for my lifestyle and income.  A job that made me feel appreciated and fed my ego.  I worked with horses and their owners and I was good at it.  It was fulfilling and challenging and forced me to face difficult situations and made me grow into the person I am now.  It gave me skills that I honed and use still to this day.

But, there came a time that there was a stirring in my heart for a change.  A lot of things played into my urge to flip the script.  I had a young son who was growing up too fast, my husband had received a medical diagnosis that made us reprioritize how we spend out time (more on this later), but ultimately I was feeling a prompting in my heart from the holy spirit.  I can’t explain it well, but the urge started small and grew stronger as time went on.  I didn’t know exactly what the change looked like, only that I was destined to make a change in my life and I felt lead to use the talents and skills I have been blessed with.  I needed to follow my heart and I could not deny that.  There were several conversations with my husband about what our life would be like if I wasn’t working full time and instead became self-employed and relied on my talents.  I am so blessed that he was fully supportive of me leaving my job, even if that meant I would have to rely on him financially, though we both hoped it wouldn’t come to that.  I was graciously given the opportunity to follow my heart and see what I could do.

A Friday in November was my last day of work at that job I had held for over 22 years.  Four days later, on Tuesday, while cleaning windows in one of our rental houses, I talked to God.  I told Him with great relief that I had done the BIG THING.  I did what He had asked me to do, I resigned from my job.  I was following His lead and trusting that what I was doing was right in every way.  I took the giant step of faith that had weighed heavily on my heart for so long.  It was scary and difficult and tearful, but I did it, because He put it in my heart in such a large and undeniable way that I couldn’t help but obey it.  I did my part, my requirement, my step of faith.
So, I said to Him, “GO AHEAD AND BLESS ME NOW”.  Go ahead!  I did what You asked, I did the big, scary thing that no one thought I had the strength to do.  I listened to Your prompting and now I’m here, unemployed and scrubbing an old, dirty window frame with a toothbrush.  So, GO AHEAD and bless me now.

And do you know what happened when I said that in my mind?  The skies did not open up and blessings did not walk through the front door.  I was not immediately shaken to my core with thoughts of gratitude and abundance.  Nothing tangible changed in front of me in that moment.  But, I did hear His response…  I heard that little pop of His smile spreading across His face.

“They” say if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.  I guess they might be right.  I’m glad that I could bring Him joy in that moment.  I’m glad that He not only heard me, but He knew my heart in that moment.  I wasn’t angry or resentful.  I was merely saying that it was His turn.  And I immediately learned that I had more learning, waiting, listening and growing to do.  I had not reached some finish line by quitting my job, I had only taken one step on my journey of faithful obedience.  To me, it felt like a huge leap and an act of undeniable obedience and trust.  In my heart, his reply felt like a sign that I was just now beginning to see myself as God sees me.  I was proving to myself that I was strong-enough, obedient-enough, Christian-enough to call myself a follower of God.  I knew in that moment that if I continued to trust Him and walk in faith, that I will be making Him happy and I will have a blessed life. 

My prayer is that I always remember the sound of his smile.

The journey of self-employment has not been an easy one.  Between the successes, I have fallen, failed, cried, hoped, wandered aimlessly at times, and grown in ways I didn’t expect.  The growing pains and lessons are probably a whole blog post in themselves which I’ll consider sharing another day.  For now, I’m merely trying to continue to train my heart to walk in faith and using my God-given talents to bless those around me in hopes that I am making God smile. 

Taking a step of faith is hard. There can be so much doubt and disappointment that comes with it. It is in those moments that I remind myself that I am here for a reason. God granted me these specific talents for a reason. I may not see the blessings in each moment so I can only continue to pray, hope and dream of what is to come. I remind myself that I get one short life and my time should be spent on the things that matter most. Working for someone else used to satisfy me but it was replaced by my intense love for my family, my strong desire to make our home a better place for our son to grow up, honing my craft skills to bless couples preparing for marriage, and so much more. Life is short. Love deeply those closest to you. Follow God when He prompts you. Walk in faith, even when you can not see.